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Captain Oats

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comedy of errors [Jan. 23rd, 2004|05:42 am]
Captain Oats

Life has been pretty dull since new years eve. The always delectable Anna has been spending quite a bit of time at the stable lately though which has made things interesting. Being the chivalrous creature that I am, I have let her win almost every time during our numerous Jenga matches. On a less interesting note, Seth brought over a 'friend' of sorts the other day. Fortunately we were never introduced, but just hearing his inept attempts at jocularity made my mane stand on end.



Speaking of the Keeper, relations between Seth and I have gotten better. Though I'm still a bit tiffed over not having been invited to either the Rooney concert or smarmy Oliver's stable in Palm Springs, I am looking forward to sneaking into the Bright Eyes show with him and Anna. I'm hoping to hear a lot of material off 'Letting Off The Happiness' and if I'm an especially lucky horse, we'll get to hear his cover of the Velvet Underground's 'Close the Door'. In a way I kind of wish that Luke was coming with us. Luke may desperately be lacking a clue, but I feel he has a lot of untapped potential. Oh well, maybe next time.
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dissapointment [Jan. 8th, 2004|11:09 am]
Captain Oats
Apparently Seth 'forgot' to bring me with him to the Rooney show. As much as I applaud him for his new found popularity I sometimes think he forgets about the people who were there for him when he was pining for Summer and fretting over the VG+ condition of issue eleven of The Sandman. Who would ever have thought that the words "he's not a criminal mastermind, he's a kid with no place to go" would mark the dawn of a new era for life at the great Cohen stables. Regardless, Seth and I aren't speaking at the moment. Normally I wouldn't be so upset but I overheard Seth and Ryan discussing how Luke apparently broke out into song before the show. Not only that but that guy Oliver who got them tickets was arrested for buying three grams of cocaine. Apparently Oliver's bust was the end product of an intricate and costly sting operation involving half of Newport's finest. Of course while all this was happening I was home alone watching a really lame Golden Girls marathon. I would have changed the channel but the opposable-thumbs-challenged remote control was missing. It goes with out saying that I've had better evenings.
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great expectations [Jan. 6th, 2004|02:09 am]
Captain Oats

Almost a week into 2004 and the excitement still hasn't stopped. Seth informs me that tomorrow we'll be attending a musical concert by a group called Rooney. All in all, not a bad band. At least they're not called 'The Roonies'. Some guy named Oliver is getting us in. Ironically enough, Luke is coming with us. It seems like only yesterday that Seth was sitting around putting his Magic cards in protective plastic sleeves and complaining about the macho excesses of Luke. How things change....
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j'ai la gueule de bois.... [Jan. 1st, 2004|08:13 am]
Captain Oats
It is with great effort and determination that I scribble this entry. I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that, though my head has descended to Dante's third level of hell, I weathered this riotous evening past with my virtue intact, contrary to various rumors circulating on the interweb. Oh, but the sites my blushing eyes did spy.....</br>
And though my hangover is great and the hour is still early, I would like to reiterate that Carson Daley is indeed, a tool.
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it's the little things in life—a seth update [Dec. 16th, 2003|01:47 am]
Captain Oats
Much to Ryan's chagrin, Seth is still unresponsive to Ryan's requests to hang out in the pool house or go to the Crab Shack for a bite to eat. But fear not—all hope is not yet lost....</br>
Unbeknownst to Seth, I spied him this evening on his computer delighting in the apparently abundant torrents available of his favorite movies on the interweb. And though despair almost set in after the bittorrent client informed him that he still had over twenty-seven hours to wait until the Lost In Translation mpeg was 100% completed, elation and joy quickly washed over him as an abundance of welcome seeders soon decreased his download time to a measly six hours.
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saturnine gloom and friendster literati [Dec. 15th, 2003|02:30 am]
Captain Oats
Wallowing in unfathomable depths of infinite sadness, my keeper has been rendered immobile for the duration of the weekend, suffering silently through the consequences of his most honorable and just decision regarding which of Newport's two finest mares he should pair. Seth's acute brooding and Bergmanian silence is eclipsed only by the eclectic musical selections emanating from his, appropriately titled, "Seth's Lament(s)" playlist in iTunes. Who, oh gentle readers, could have imagined that Joy Division would blend so effortlessly with Sarah Mclachlan and then rise to the sublime heights of Nick Drake only to be emotionally gutted by the steely blade of Ella Fitzgerald's sentimental ululations?</br>
Though undeniably my equestrian heart suffers to see Seth in such a miserable state, his solitude gave me time to turn my thoughts to affairs less grave; namely, participating in that great socio-cultural simulacrum which would make McLuhan so proud.....the Friendster.

While diligently answering private messages, approving friend and testimonial requests and fine tuning my representatively exhaustive profile, I noticed that many of you, my dear friendsters, had similar questions about your humble yet loyal plastic stead. In the hopes of answering as many inquiries as possible, I've thrown together the following list of frequently asked questions or in the parlance of interweb speak, the "FAQ":

Frequently Asked Questions (or FAQ) of Captain Oats (Part 1)

Are you the real Captain Oats?
Unfortunately the scope of this question lies beyond the paltry bounds of this metaphysically pedestrian FAQ, but I will say that, a priori, I do exist as a cognitive being and that a posteori demonstrable necessary qualities can be universally quantified to spatio-temporaly locate me (cf. Descartes, Kant, Quine).</br>
When Seth left you and Anna alone during thanksgiving and you were supposed to be playing Jenga, what *really* happened?
Let's just say that after I let her win at Jenga, we just horsed around.</br>
On your Friendster profile, it says "in a relationship". If this is true, who's the lucky lady?
I of course mean "relationship" in the 'philia' and 'agape' senses of love, opposed to 'eros' or sexual love. Like Don Quixote's trusty Ocinante, I am ever loyal to my keeper Seth.</br>
I know we're all supposed to think that Dylan's father was killed in that big car explosion, but do you think that there's anyway Mr. McKay might have survived and will later return to seek out Dylan and reveal a crazy autobiographical fact?
No.</br>
What breed of horse are you?
Obviously you have learned nothing from our open minded and classless (some would say utopian) society here in Newport Beach. It's not one's breeding or background that matters, but one's personality, inner beauty and conviction that defines a [wo]man (or horse).

Can I ride you bareback?
Yes.

Well it appears that Michelle Branch's "Goodbye to You" has been put on 'repeat-one' again, so I must be off.</br?
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majestic grace goes out to pasture [Dec. 14th, 2003|02:04 pm]
Captain Oats
It is with great shame and embarrassment that I report to you, dear readers, that at approximately ten this morning, the non-caucasian cleaning lady accidently (hmm...) tipped me over while dusting. It was in this undignified position that my keeper found me hours later.</br>
I thought it best you should hear this piece of scandal from me first before all of Newport is ablaze.
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of summer fever and annabiotics [Dec. 13th, 2003|07:09 am]
Captain Oats
Regarding that peculiar institution you homo saps so reverently refer to as "love", vast libraries can be dedicated. Though my noble and most honorable keeper often references the work of Nick Drake, Patsy Cline and the late Elliot Smith when attempting to grapple with the complexities and vicissitudes of said institution, I, your loyal purveyor of truth and beauty, prefer to cite everyone's favorite opium consuming romantic Samuel Taylor Coleridge. While, no doubt, hunting down albatrosses through some laudanum induced Xanadu, Sammy somehow managed to scribble out:
Sympathy constitutes friendship;
But in love there is a sort of antipathy, or opposing passion. 
Each strives to be the other, and both together make up one whole.

Young Seth (along with all you august denizens of the Orange County-of-the-mind) would do well to heed these three simple yet profound lines of verse, particularly in regards to those two most exquisite young mares, Summer of the flowing dark mane and Anna of the delicate blonde mane. I hesitate at this late hour to commit to an exhaustive exploration of what I have come to refer to as Seth's Dilemma, a conundrum if there ever was one, but for now I suggest meditating on Sam 'slammin' Coleridge's thoughts, particularly his observation that antipathy is intrinsically bound to that "beauteous flower" and where both young Summer and Anna fall on love's multidimensional amorous continuum.
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i have arrived [Dec. 12th, 2003|06:19 am]
Captain Oats
Call me Captain Oats. To the undiscerning eye I am but a plastic mold, painted and shaped to resemble little more than a common exemplar of 'Equus caballus', or what the less taxonomic nomenclaturely inclined refer to as a "horse". But like Odysseus disguised as a poor wayfarer upon his return to Ithica, I am simply biding my time—ever vigilant, ever watchful. I presume you are familiar with my keeper and loyal friend, the venerable Seth Cohen of Newport Beach? As a stalwart guardian of Seth's pen in his glorious beachside stable, I am privy not only to the intimate details of my keeper's life, but my Foucaultian gaze falls lustily upon all that transpires in the decadent land that is Orange County. And though I choose to keep my motives cloaked in ambiguity and my endgame shrouded in mystery, I assure you—oh gentle readers—my intentions are virtuous and just. In closing, I think it important to stress that, counter Barthes' adage that "what the public wants is the image of passion, not passion itself", I, Captain Oats, pledge to untangle the multiplicity of meanings in the great metanarrative that is The O.C. with a passion rivaling that of both Captain Ahab during his relentless search for the great white whale in Moby Dick and Lincoln Hawk through his Herculean trials and tribulations in Over the Top. Your loving panopticon.
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